The Bible speaks clearly about marriage and chastity. The Christian is appointed by the Lord to pursue the virtue of chastity, to honor the great gift of marriage, and practice great care with sex. Marriage is instituted by God in the Garden of Eden (see Genesis 1:27-28, 2:24), and this institution is protected by God with the strongest language.
You shall not commit adultery. (Exodus 20:14, the Sixth Commandment)
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. (Hebrews 13:4)
Christians treat marriage and sex as something sacred, an institution and activity instituted by God for our good.
Our secular culture seems hell-bent on inventing new ways to break the Sixth Commandment. No fault is needed for divorce. Sex is, on the one hand, a causal recreational activity, and on the other, the defining essence of our being. Marriage is “among life’s momentous acts of self-definition.” The sexual and gender revolution prizes sexual freedom above any restrictions or limitations.
These contrasting views of marriage and sex have led to increasing tension and conflict between the church and the world, each considering the other “out of step”, wrong, and dangerous.
Simply on the question of living together before marriage, the church states clearly that this is sinful, wrong, and foolish, while the world says that this practice is good, right, and salutary, and anyone who would stand in the way of “sexual freedom” should be run over.
For individual Christians, this cultural fight becomes the arena for individual activity and temptation. Should we move in together? How bad would a hook-up actually be?
So, for those fighting for chastity, or for those who should be fighting for chastity, here are five clarifying questions:
1. What are you practicing?
Many couples move in together to test their compatibility. They are pretending to be married, but really they are practicing adultery. Every sexual act outside of marriage is a sexual act outside the bonds of marriage, and that is not something we want to be good at. Imagine authorizing their adultery. Imagine helping your future spouse get better and better at sexual immorality.
Adultery is not something you want to be good at. It’s not something that you want your spouse to be good at either.
2. Who likes this sexual activity, Jesus or the devil?
This question forces us to look at the spiritual dynamics of sex. Who likes sex outside the bonds of marriage: Jesus or the devil?
To state things as clearly as I can: the devil is always pushing unmarried couples into bed, and always pushing married couples out of bed. The devil tempts the unmarried toward sex, and the married away from it.
It might be unimaginable for couples who are dating, but most of my conversations with married couples indicate the difficulty of intimacy and the obstacles that stand in the way.
Couples living together before marriage consider themselves practicing being married, but the opposite is true. Chastity is fighting the devil before marriage. Intimacy is fighting the devil after marriage.
3. Is “I’m pregnant” good news or bad news?
Sex is designed by God to create new life, “be fruitful and multiply.” For husband and wife, the news of pregnancy is wonderful (and scary and overwhelming but joyful). But for unmarried couples the same news is haunting. This should give us a hint about the moral danger of the situation.
Marriage and intimacy are created by God especially for the purpose of having and raising children. A baby is what happens when sex works properly. But sex outside the bonds of marriage is not supposed to work, the ends are prevented, and pregnancy is avoided.
4. Does marriage change anything? or Who authorized this sexual activity?
Is marriage two people giving themselves to each other? Is it not something more?
Jesus gives us a profound insight into the reality of marriage when He says, “So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19:5). God joined them together. God gives husband and wife to each other.
We are not authorized to give ourselves away. Speaking specifically about sexual activity, St Paul reminds us:
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
The importance of this distinction cannot be overstated. “I am my gift to you” is empty. “You are God’s gift to me” is awe-inspiring.
Marriage does change things. What is sinful before marriage is a good work on the wedding night. This is God’s doing, and it is marvelous in our eyes.
5. What will give me a good conscience?
Sexual immorality twists and distorts the conscience. Paul says, “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body” (1 Corinthians 6:18).
Different sins have different consequences. Paul distinguishes sexual sin from others committed outside the body. Sexual immorality scars the heart. Sexual immorality sears the conscience. As much as we try to ignore it, sexual immorality makes us unclean.
What are we to do?
First, we remember that the blood of Jesus cleanses us from all sins. His blood is the only hope for a good and clean conscience. His suffering and death are the only hope for sinners. But Jesus makes the unclean clean, pure, and holy.
If sexual sin (or any sin) is troubling your conscience, know that Christ died for sinners; Christ died for you. I would encourage you to go to your pastor and ask him for the absolution, to hear that these things that trouble your conscience are covered with the blood of Jesus.
And, second, we look to the wisdom of God’s Law to know how to live. We commit to chastity and sexual purity today and tomorrow. If unmarried and living together, or are sexually active, commit to abstinence and sexual purity until marriage. Make provision to move out (the Lord will bless this, and nothing is more precious than a good conscience), to wait with patience, and to trust in God.
We honor the marriage bed. We fight the devil with chastity. And we rejoice in the gifts of Jesus when we wait for marriage, and husband and wife rejoice in receiving one another from the pierced hands of the One who died and lives for us: the Lord Jesus Christ.
Pr Bryan Wolfmueller
St Paul and Jesus Deaf Lutheran Churches, Austin, TX
St Titus Day, 2023
Thanks for writing this – I’m thinking through the ways which this can be useful in answering questions at youth group as we cover relationships going forward.
I love how you put this: “The devil is always pushing unmarried couples into bed, and always pushing married couples out of bed.”
You write, “A baby is what happens when sex works properly.” Is sex that doesn’t result in a baby (either because the couple is taking steps to avoiding pregnancy or because they are trying to conceive and it just didn’t happen) a “failure” then?
Lutheran pastors are regularly being put between a rock and a hard place.. so many couples that want to get married in the church but have been living together.