Comfort for Those Tending to the Lord’s Littlest Sheep

Back in 2015 Keri (Mrs. Wolfmueller) wrote a series of three articles to encourage parents with little children in church. These three articles have been very helpful. I’m capturing them here to make them easier to share.

Part I: The Why of Taking our Children to Church

Full of frustration and embarrassment I am driving away. Away from the staring faces, away from the haughty looks, away from the very place I should love to be. I cannot hold back the tears and my lips are quivering. My head is swirling with thoughts. “Why do I even go to church? I never even hear the sermon! Surely they remember what their toddlers were like? It can’t just be my child. I cannot believe my son just lapped the sanctuary during the prayers!”

Yes, it’s quite true. I have had on any given Sunday a child lap the sanctuary, inquire quite loudly if “we’re done yet?”, crawl under several rows of pews before being caught, rip a page out of the hymnal, spill their snack all over the floor and proceed to stomp it into a billion pieces, scream bloody murder, and line the pew behind me with a train track of feminine products they found in my purse while an elderly man watched in horror and I, fully unaware and singing, had no idea such a display lay behind me. Shall I go on? You get the picture.

And yes, I’ve driven home many a day in tears.

This is the life of a parent trying to attend church with a young child. It is no small feat. It comes with many embarrassing moments, days of frustration and exhaustion, words of judgment, and ugly looks of ridicule. You may wonder why one should keep trying, why you should keep trying?

It really wasn’t until I became Lutheran that I began to understand. In the churches I grew up in (Southern Baptist and Calvary Chapel) there was always childcare during the service. Some would simply not allow children under age nine to enter the sanctuary. I was even physically ushered to the back of the sanctuary, not allowed to sit with my family, because I was there with my two-month-old daughter. These churches hold to an un-Biblical teaching that claims there is an age of accountability. If a child is younger than about third grade, they get a free pass to heaven. In these churches, children become a distraction for the work of the Holy Spirit. Someone might not get saved if your child is making noise. It is as if the Holy Spirit is scared away by the smell of Cheerios or the sight of a crayon! Sarcasm aside, when I began to understand what worship is and the “why” of going to church, taking my kids, with all its difficulty, became very clear.

Worship is to receive the gifts of God. It took a while to sink into my own head. Worship is receiving the Lord’s gifts. Gifts like the forgiveness of sins. Gifts like the hearing of His Word. Gifts like salvation. See Ephesians 1:7, Romans 10:17, Romans 1:16. There is no age limit for receiving the gifts of our gracious and forgiving Lord. When this becomes clear, taking your children to church becomes part of what a good and loving parent does. Our precious little ones need to receive these gifts, too, and they should not be denied.

In the Words of our Lord,

“Then children were brought to Him that He might lay His hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people, but Jesus said, Let the little children come to Me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

Matthew 19:13-14

It is worthwhile to do a bit of studying on the Greek word for “children” used in this text, as it means infants, not big kids. This scriptural look at the faith of children may help.

When I realized it was part of my vocation as mother to take my children to church, I decided to fight this great battle. Fighting not against my children, but against the devil who takes great delight in keeping me and my children from going to Church. This raging beast is waiting to devour our faith. Our Lord has provided the Church with His Gospel. The Gospel that gives us faith, and sustains us in it.

From the time a child is six months old to around four years old your Sunday mornings will be a challenge. Still, you will begin to reap the rewards! Pretty soon, you’ll think “Hey, I made it through the sermon before I had to sneak out.” Or you’ll notice your two-year-old whispering the last word of every phrase of the Lord’s Prayer. Or you’ll see a drawing that strangely resembles the sermon. Or in the car ride home your child will ask one of those dumbfounding questions that you need your pastor to answer.

These, dear friends, will bring your heart great joy!

Part 2: Understanding Age Appropriate Behavior

Surprisingly, one of the most valid arguments against having children in church is sometimes brought to us from educators or pediatricians. These men and women have invested years into studying how children learn, how to best instruct them, how to care for them, and keep them healthy. (Please note the use of the word sometimes, this is not an absolute to these vocations.)

The argument goes something like this, “It is not appropriate to expect young children to sit through an hour long, or longer, church service.  Developmentally they are not capable of this type of behavior. They do not have the attention span, nor the capability of keeping their bodies still. It is therefore unfair, maybe even inappropriate, to make them attend church.”  Accordingly, the standard assessment is that a child’s attention span is 3-5 minutes in length per year of life.  For example, a two year old has a 6-10 minute attention span, which includes the ability to sit still.

Hmmm…This is troubling.  There is truth in those words.  I have witnessed my own children’s abilities and, true enough, they cannot focus that long.  Let’s face it, there is a reason Dora the Explorer only follows the map and arrives at her destination in fifteen short minutes!

What to do!?  What to do? What to do?! Let’s say I buy into this argument, but yet I know the Lord’s Word, how do I fit these seemingly contradictory beliefs together?

To continue, here are many other behaviors we should expect to see from our kids, even at church:

Movement: wiggling, crawling, cruising, walking, running, more wiggling, hopping, jumping

Vocalizing: crying, cooing, babbling, echoing, my favorite- their screaming voice (5-9 months), speaking, singing, yelling, shrieking

Hand and Eye Coordination:  reaching, touching, grasping, pointing, manipulating objects, throwing, stacking, coloring, helping

And the list goes on….

The developmental stages our kids move through are fascinating, and amazing, and a miracle! Every parent should delight to witness their child moving along this path.

Back to the question.  Understanding age appropriate behavior, should we be taking our little ones to church?

YES, still yes!

We absolutely have the Lord’s Word which is very clear, and was discussed in the previous article.  We should also have an understanding of what is appropriate to expect from children at their given age.  We bring these two understandings together in our parenting, and specifically our discipline.

Here is what I propose and it’s a rather simple idea, although sometimes complicated to implement: We distinguish between positive age appropriate behavior and negative age appropriate behavior and apply the proper response.

When our children are displaying positive behavior, which still may be noisy or distracting, we use this opportunity for instruction. We may still need to take them out of the sanctuary, we may still miss half the service, but they are not “in trouble.”  This is not the time for spankings, time outs, or other harsh consequences.  This is the time for instruction, for training, for helping them.  For example, if a 9-month-old is practicing their screaming voice, we take them out and work with them on being quiet.  Or if your 18-month-old can’t help but calling out with great delight all the things they recognize – “light, dada, book, baby, etc…” we might practice whispering.  Or, if you little one is up and down and all around, consider letting them move (just don’t them escape the pew…they will then want to play chase).

Please do not misunderstand.  Some age appropriate behavior has consequences.  For example, it is “age appropriate” for a two-year-old to lash out and hit someone when they do not get their way.  This may be normal, but it certainly is not okay.  For this kind of negative behavior, there should absolutely be consequences followed by instruction.

This distinction is vital.  In fact, in some ways, it is how we apply Law and Gospel to parenting. Ask yourself this question, “If my child was displaying this behavior anywhere else besides the quietness of the sanctuary, would I be okay with it?”  Then they are probably displaying a positive age appropriate behavior.  Or, if you think to yourself “there is no way, any place, any time, they would get away with such behavior!” Then you are dealing with a negative behavior.

There are times, unfortunately, when it is not black and white.  There are times when our frustration or embarrassment muddy the picture; the pressure of someone looking over our shoulder. Parenting is hard, so we pray constantly and ask for the Lord’s help and wisdom.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” James 1:5

One final thing, for your comfort.  Thankfully, we are working through this in the Church. One of the greatest treasures we have in figuring out this parenting bit is our brothers and sisters in the faith.  Those that sit beside us in the pew, that kneel with us before the Lord’s altar, that are raising their children day by day, struggle by struggle, joy by joy alongside us.  I have learned some of the most amazing parenting tricks and strategies, and have witnessed great love, compassion, and forgiveness from watching and talking to other parents in the Lord’s Church.  Let us then help each other, pray for each other, and encourage one another.

Part 3: Tricks of the Trade and Quiet Activities for Young Children

Thanks for joining the conversation about having children in church!  

I’m just as normal as you.  However, I’m going to boldly assert a “Top Ten” list of helpful things to know and practice when you have little ones with you in church.  This is not the Ten Commandments.  This list holds no value regarding your salvation.  You therefore are free.

Every parent is unique and sets their own standards of what is acceptable for their child.  Every child is unique.  Some respond to discipline.  Some respond to rewards.  Some naturally aim to please.  Some are fiercely independent and curious.  What is suggested here will hopefully be helpful, but if it doesn’t work for your child, don’t give up.  Keep trying.  Our goal is to help our children succeed at being in church, to sit quietly, and when able – to participate.  Remember, it is in church that their Savior comes to bring them His gifts.

That being said, this list has been created with years of personal experience and education, tested over time, and with the help of many others along the way.  I pray that it is a blessing for you and not a new burden.  May you find comfort and hope with perhaps some new ideas.  May you be encouraged finding that you do not walk this road alone.

Top 10 Things to Know When Taking Little Ones To Church:

1. Come Prepared.

A famous president once said “To be prepared for war is one of the most effective means of preserving peace.”  Make sure your diaper war bag is ready to go: extra clothes, plenty of diapers and wipes, a snack, a few quiet toys, lift-the-flap books, pacifier, blanket, lovie, and anything you think might be helpful.  It is a rare infant/toddler who can sit through an entire service without some assistance.  And, if you’re ready, you are more likely to not have to leave church all together because you’ve gone through your last set of clean clothes and can’t bring yourself to walk back into the service with your baby only wearing a diaper.

2.  When you leave…don’t put them down.

This is my most exhausting suggestion.  But, when you take your child out of the sanctuary because they are making too much noise, and all your efforts to distract them have been unsuccessful, you cannot put them down to walk around or play.  A child will learn extremely quickly to connect their screaming to being allowed to go play or wander.  We don’t want them to make this connection.  We leave out of respect for the others trying to hear the sermon.  When you leave, hold them or sit with them in the back of the sanctuary or narthex area and continue to participate in the service, and continue to work with them on being quiet.  Some churches have cry rooms which are extremely helpful when working on correcting this behavior.  I remember the tired arms and sore back after standing for long periods of time with my toddlers doing this, but the sooner they realize that there is no benefit in leaving the sanctuary, the sooner they will stop the behavior that causes you to take them out.

3.  Teach them what “ssshhh” means.

I’m being serious.  Have you ever stopped to think that your infant does not yet have any context for the sound “ssshhh?”  We have to teach our children what it means when we hush them.  So when you need your child’s mouth to be quiet, simply combined your “sshh” with a gentle one or two finger pressure on their lips at the same time.  This will help your child learn more quickly that when they hear that sound, it means their mouth is doing something it shouldn’t.

4.  Be intentional about where you sit.

Some parents really advocate sitting in the front row with their little ones because when a child can see what is going on, they usually behave better and participate more.  This is especially helpful once your child is about 3 or 4.  I, however, was doing the church parenting bit alone.  My husband is the Pastor.  So, I found it easiest to sit in the very back with our four children. If I needed to stand with a fussy toddler, I still could remain close to the children I was leaving in the pew.  I also felt it was less distracting to others when I had to get up to leave.

Another thing to consider is sitting near friends in the congregation that you know would be helpful if you needed an extra arm during the service.

5.  Learn the Art of Distraction.

There are thousands of quiet ways you can try and distract your child.  Here are a few of my favorite.  When they are super little, just changing positions can be effective.  If they are sitting, stand them up, if they are over your shoulder, spin them around to face the front.  It may sound too simple, but give it a try.  When they are young and very oral, I would keep a steady supply of things for them to put in their mouth.   Small rubber tipped kitchen utensils work well for this.   When they are starting to recognize objects, play a sort of “I Spy” game with them.  I would whisper in their ear “Can you find the cross?  Can you find the candles?  Can you find Jesus?”  Things that they only needed to point to.  This also helps them start to become aware of their surroundings, that they are in church, and that it is here that they are quiet.  When they get a little older I would bring colored pencils, lift-the-flap books, and lacing boards.

6.  Rewards.

Yes, I’ve resorted to bribery.  Some children respond especially well to rewards.  It could be as simple as getting a doughnut after church if they sat quietly.  Or, if they make it through the sermon, getting a small piece of candy that you’ve reserved especially for this occasion.  Or, taking them to the park after church on especially good Sundays. Figure out what makes your kiddo “tick” and reward their good behavior.

7.  Occupy their mouth.

Keeping their mouths busy chewing on something can often keep them from making noise.  Of course, if your child uses a pacifier you already know how helpful they can be.  Two of our children never took to a pacifier and so for them I used snacks.  Be wise, however about your snack selection.  It’s no fun picking up a thousand pieces of a crumbly cracker after the service.  Some of my favorite snacks included dried cranberries or raisins, goldfish, mini cheese cubes, small pieces of a peanut butter sandwich, and dry cereal.  When they get a little older, and have a little bit more control, they are super cute trying to concentrate on chewing a piece of gum.  It takes up all their little brain power.

8.  Practice whispering.

During the week, and after your child begins talking, practice using your whispering voice.  Mimic it for them.  Play “echo” games in a whispering voice.  Make it a fun little game that you play.  Sing songs in a whisper.  Snuggle and whisper “I love you” in their little ears.  It’s actually a very difficult concept for them to learn, but once they figure it out, it can be very helpful during church to simply ask them to whisper.

9.  Let them shake their sillies out.

I always seem to run late first thing in the morning.  But, if you can manage to get to church a little early, find a place where they can run around for ten minutes.  Chase them even!  I don’t suggest running in the church narthex where older members might get bumped into, or determine your children have no manners. Instead, find a grassy spot outside, perhaps an empty fellowship hall or Sunday school room and really let them move.

10.  Find a helper.

Sometimes we are working so hard with our children during a church service that we are hardly able to pay attention to what is going on ourselves.  Week after week of not hearing the sermon can become frustrating to even the most dedicated parent.  If your spouse is with you, consider taking turns working with your little one.  Rotate Sundays, that way you both have a chance to try and listen.  However, for those of you who are going it alone for whatever reason, try and find someone you can sit close to that can lend a helping hand when needed.  Often the young teenage girls in the congregation love this responsibility.  Other times, you might be lucky to have an “adopted” grandma who is willing to give you a hand.  And sometimes, our help will come in the form of an answered prayer for patience.

I pray this was helpful.  Keep up the good work, I promise it gets easier!

In Christian Joy,

Keri Wolfmueller